spewing rat piss

~

I was at my house, feeling like a total douche. It was raining. It was grey. No one was home. I was alone in my loneliness with absolutely nothing to do to pass the time. All I could do really was just sit there, on my couch. On my stupid fucking leather couch, all I could do was sit and stare out the window and wonder why the fuck people bought leather couches anyways. They are possibly one of the most uncomfortable couches that could ever be brought into human civilisation. Then I was thinking about how much my room smelt like rat pee. To be honest that is a bit why I was avoiding sitting in my room to do absolutely nothing – it smelt like piss. Not only did it smell like piss, but also I was just trying to avoid the idea of it as a whole. If I went up there and I acknowledged that my room smelt like piss, I’d have to then acknowledge the fact that I let my room get to the point of smelling like piss. Then I would have to acknowledge that I should probably clean it. I’d then acknowledge that I probably wouldn’t and in turn acknowledge that I let my room smell like piss, let my rat smell like piss and let my life smell like piss and be piss and stink of piss forever until I did something about it (which I probably never would) or prevent it in the first place (which I probably wouldn’t do either). So there you have it, my piss of a life. Or maybe more accurately my piss of a brain, because in fact my life is pretty all right. Im treated well, I have most of what I need, a shelter over my head, food, clothing, a loving family. But theres just something in my brain that’s not right. I can remember a time when it was though, when my brain seemed cool I was happy and laughing. I just remember bus rides with Maggie. Those were the days, those were the times, those were my last true memories of what it meant to be happy without a owrry. But those times ended, just as they all do, and now I am stuck with what I have. I am stuck with these feelings and emotions of disphoria that show no sign of ever wanting to part themselves from my brain.